Having “Daddy issues” has always been a long time running joke with the general public. But has never really been funny to me. Mostly because my “daddy issues” were never something I wanted. It stings when someone says something like “well at least you even had a father. And you have money” I would trade every cent to have more time with my dad. To get to know the man who was so proud to have us. But I don’t have that option. Instead, my last memory of my father is finding his dead body.
I lost my biological father at eight, at an age before I even got to know him too well. I don’t remember much of him now but I never felt rejected or that I needed to impress him- because he loved me for being exactly who I am. As I’ve gotten older, two other men (wonderful in their own ways) have both been stepfathers to me- Alan, who passed when I was thirteen and my current stepfather, Mark. Alan and I had our rough times. I was a pubescent, angsty teen with depression and stereotypical cutting issues. He was a man suffering from kidney failure and facing his own mortality on a daily basis but he was a hardworking man who did love us all. And his death hurt too- in a different way. It felt as though he’d abandoned me, as if he’d left on purpose. Witnessing my mother and younger brother’s grief only buried the bitterness deeper into my soul. I blamed anyone and everyone for my pain. I vomited anger in every corner of my life until no one wanted to be around. And then my
mother met Mark. In his soul, Mark is a fun-loving, kind-hearted and genuine man. But I don’t think he always understands my brother and I. It’s hard to raise two kids that aren’t your own, let alone two kids who had to face more than you have in your own life. He tries his best and he loves the best way he knows how
But my little ache in my heart always resurfaces when I see a little girl and her daddy. Or when I fight with Mark because he doesn’t always understand how sensitive I truly am sometimes.
I guess sometimes there’s some things others just aren’t meant to understand.
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